I sensed that something was wrong with me. I was a failure as a Christian. I had absolutely no success witnessing to others outside the church. Our Baptist church in Michigan was very evangelistic and expected its members to be out there on the battle lines spreading the good news. I recall feeling very ashamed whenever the Pastor suggested that if we had not won anyone to the Lord, we were failures.

I took soul winning courses, read books, attended seminars. But I could never bring myself to even begin by identifying as a Christian at school or work. Finally, I was so desperate that I quit my job, sold my home and enrolled in Bible school thinking that I would discover the secret to becoming a successful soul winner.

At Bible school we had classes in soul winning and we were sent out on assignments to visit hospitals, pass out tracts, etc. But I always came back with that same sense of shame. I had failed to enter into any kind of meaningful discussion about the Lord.

I was beginning my senior year and I was still Mr. Chicken Christian. I was beginning to get desperate. I memorized the four spiritual laws. I bought books on soul winning at our school's bookstore. One book was titled "Giving Away Your Faith". It was by Paul Little, who was with Inter Varsity. I read the book three times. On the third time through the book I noticed a statement by Paul Little. It said something to the effect that many Christians had problems discussing Jesus because they really didn't know Him. Little wrote that these Christians could talk doctrine but could not really introduce Jesus to anyone on a personal level because they really didn't know very much about Him. I knew he was talking about me. So I determined to get to know Jesus. I wanted to know what He was like as a person.

I went to our school's bookstore and purchased a translation of the New Testament that had just been published and received very good reviews from my instructors, The New American Standard New Testament. I also bought a spiral notebook and went back to my dorm. On the first page of the notebook I wrote a prayer. "Lord, show me Jesus."

I began combing through the gospels looking for any clue I could find. When I found something that gave me a clue as to what Jesus was like, I wrote it down in my notebook. Almost immediately, I was intrigued by the Jesus I began to discover. One of my first clues involved the calling of His first disciples. He merely called them to come and follow Him and they seemed to jump at the opportunity. I had never experienced that kind of response. Nor had I seen results like that from other Christians. The question was immediately posed in my mind, "What was it about Jesus that caused people to immediately jump at the chance to become His follower?" I presumed that if I could discover His magnetism, then I would know the secret to His attraction.

It was not long before I began to understand that the secret to His attraction was in His nature, not in some kind of benefit that He promised His followers. He did not promise them eternal life (that was not taught until much later). Nor did Jesus promise them wealth and happiness. In fact, He warned them that they would suffer. He warned potential followers to first count the cost before following Him. This was not what I had been taught in my soul winning classes.

My search for the real Jesus has continued for about 35 years. I am still searching the Bible for clues as to the nature of the real Jesus. I believe that I can say in all honesty that I am no longer Mr. Chicken Christian. I have learned to accept the fact that I am no salesmen. My witnessing is no longer like an insurance agent trying to dump some unwanted policy on a customer. Yet, I surprise myself when I find that I bring up the subject of Jesus in a conversation. Now its natural. It is not by using some gimmick to sneak Him into the conversation. It is just by being honest and saying what I really believe. I no longer try to count scalps of the unbelievers that I have brought to praying the sinners prayer. I am not into that any more.

I can now say that the Jesus I know today is not the same person that I thought I knew back in my younger years. I have been pleasantly surprised that Jesus is really a very likeable person. He is not someone for whom I am ashamed. He is certainly no wimp. Jesus is a man's man. I am convinced that if the world really knew Jesus, they too would jump at the chance to be His follower.